I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
