he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
