We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I could make wine with my vomit
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My vagina just recognized that song.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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