Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize