i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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