can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
