his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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