I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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