Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
