my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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