I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
