So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize