mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
