I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
