Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
