why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
