There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
