i already hear my dad disowning me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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