i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize