It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
