so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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