using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
