If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
