the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
