That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
