He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize