So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
