i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize