Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
