I am in a vortex of obligation.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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