"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You did what with his pubic hair?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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