Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
