Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
