The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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