i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
