There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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