Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
