I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
