final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
