its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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