y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
