Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
