You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
