Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
