So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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