Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
