Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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