ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
