Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You made out with two different species that night
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
