I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
