saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
