T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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