sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
