um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
