If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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