Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I puked a lego.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
