i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
