It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
