Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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