I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
